I Sawed This Boat in Half Over and Over Again

The Untold Truth Of Flex Tape

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Every in one case in a while, a product comes along that is and then astonishing, and so revolutionary, so beyond the wildest fathomings of the homo imagination, that nosotros dedicate our spare time, inventiveness, and meme-making skills to making fun of it. For the last couple years, the winner of the "well-nigh fun to make fun of" product has been Flex Tape.

Yes, this amazing tape has, at least according to the world's foremost meme designers, the ability to mend a blackness hole, repair relationships between Northward and South Korea, and also stop the fall of Rome because information technology is non bound past the base constructs of space or time or being an inanimate object.

If you have always wanted to know the real story behind Flex Record, the struggles and triumphs of its two genius creators, the ways in which this product will solve climate modify and end world hunger, well ... stick around.

From humble beginnings

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This will be very hard to digest, so ready yourself for some difficult truth. The marketing genius and super man we all know equally Phil Swift was not always the boat-sawing, universe-saving man he is today. According to Flex Seal Spray Can (a Flex Seal affiliate site that sorta seems like it might be run by Phil?), Phil Swift has been in the marketing and direct sales industry since the '80s. His brother Alan, who gets a lot less air time just is also i of the geniuses behind the Flex Seal and Flex Tape family of products, is a University of Houston graduate with 26 years in business administration. Together, the pair founded Swift Response LLC, which specializes in "high performance products that are like shooting fish in a barrel to use and solve every day common issues in the workplace and domicile."

So if Phil and Alan Swift have been effectually for more than a quarter of a century, why, oh why, did they not grace the world with their revolutionary products earlier? Perhaps the world just wasn't gear up.

Phil Swift's family doesn't seem to relish fame the way Phil does

Nosotros already know that Phil Swift launched the Flex Seal visitor with his brother Alan, but intel on Alan is notoriously difficult to find. Who is this Alan? Is he as stunningly beautiful equally his brother? Does superhuman charisma and marketing genius run in the family? To find out, y'all could bring together the ane,800-plus fans who follow Alan on Instagram, but you might be waiting a while because as Alan has posted exactly zero times to his Instagram account as of this writing. He didn't fifty-fifty post a "howdy, just testing out my cool new Instagram page" when he set the dang thing up.

There'due south evidently a third brother, besides: Rick Swift, who has manner less hair than either of his brothers and an Instagram folio that is, sadly, private. So you're probably non going to go any secret insight into the family unit life of Phil Swift from either of those sources.

Phil did post about his son on Instagram — Nic Swift is a music producer living in Los Angeles, and he even has some Flex Seal cred. The younger Swift evidently worked equally a production banana on the first Flex Seal commercial, and then clearly, Flex Seal is coursing through the veins of pretty much anybody in that family tree. Except maybe Rick. We take no idea what that dude is up to.

How did Flex Tape get so famous?

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Flex Tape may be endowed with supernatural powers that even Thanos himself would envy, but it's however just a stupid scroll of tape. How exactly does a stupid whorl of tape gain international fame, its ain library of ridiculous memes, and the dear and admiration of men and women everywhere?

YouTuber JonTron. Yes, he who hath obtained fame past sitting on his couch and talking about stuff on YouTube decided to sit on his burrow and talk almost Flex Tape, and the video he made has 35 million views so far. There are literally millions of people in this world who think watching some guy make fun of a ringlet of tape is a expert use of 10 minutes. And then Phil Swift became like a god and Flex Tape became famous and JonTron clearly deserved some kind of kickback for that. Seriously, Phil, you were just a loud guy with a roll of tape pretending to be Billy Mays on late-night television before JonTron came forth, you tin can't at to the lowest degree give him a lifetime supply of Flex Tape or something? Possibly a zombie-proof wall for his front thou or a couple boats you cut upwards and taped together? Talk near ungrateful.

Is Flex Record truly equally awesome equally the commercials say?

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How cartel you question Phil Swift! You've seen the man saw a boat in one-half, for goodness sake! And and then tape information technology back together! If it didn't work, wouldn't we have heard well-nigh that by now? Well, lots of people have fact-checked Flex Tape, and (gasp) non all of them take come to the conclusion that Flex Record is as awesome every bit Phil Swift makes it out to be.

A local Fox station in Texas tried Flex Tape on a leaky pipe and attempted to seal a leak underwater, and accomplished the exact aforementioned success you see in the commercials. And so that'south great. Simply Within Edition tried duplicating the sawed-in-half boat fob with just limited success. The boat leaked, simply "remained seaworthy," which is not how almost people desire their boats to be.

A pair of YouTubers had even worse luck with their sawed-in-half-boat test. Their boat floated for all of an hour. Flex Seal's response? They told Inside Edition that "when the production doesn't perform as expected, information technology's typically because the product was not applied correctly." So, you lot know, it's safe to use in shark-infested waters, only remember that if it doesn't piece of work it'due south totally not Flex Seal's error.

Flex Record'south many baroque uses

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It will non surprise you to hear that Flex Tape is good for so many other things besides just taping boats back together and fixing leaks. Flex Tape can also be used to subdue a body builder and rip the psoriasis flakes off your body, and seriously, if you don't want to barf then don't get looking for that video.

Other people take used Flex Tape to build unbreakable walls, which seems similar information technology would be a really handy thing to practise in the zombie apocalypse when y'all're really going to need a way to keep flesh-eating corpses out of your yard. So far no one seems to have tried doing anything insanely dangerous with it, which is probably a good thing for Phil Swift and Flex Seal, since no one needs that kind of bad publicity.

Based on what we've seen and then far of people's actual experiences with Flex Taped boats, y'all should probably not try Phil Swift's glass-bottomed-boat-in-shark-infested-waters thing. Or the psoriasis thing because that'due south just gross (and expensive).

Is Flex Tape bullet-proof?

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If Flex Record tin stand upwards to a loftier-pressure water leak and make a rowboat seaworthy, can it besides stop a bullet? No. Nope. Once more, for emphasis, totally, utterly, and completely no, and then don't become making yourself trunk armor out of the stuff, okay?

Stopping a bullet is i affair Phil Swift has never said his product can do, just the idea is a natural progression for some viewers from all the crazy hyped-up claims fabricated by the commercials. So it'due south not that surprising that there have been a number of YouTubers who gear up out to discover if the most-supernatural product could actually offering any protection.

To test the thought, Matt Carriker of Demolition Ranch outfitted a test dummy with armor made from cardboard and Flex Tape. A single layer of Flex Record failed to stop a bullet from a .22 pistol. Then Carriker went thicker ... and thicker ... and thicker. After lx layers also failed to stop a bullet, he tried 80 layers, and at that point the bullet was finally thwarted. Flex Tape is not the answer.

What do the reviews say?

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No famous person is safe from the ultimate hazard of success in America: litigation. And also people complaining loudly, publicly, and in Amazon product reviews. "Does not really piece of work underwater" seems to exist the well-nigh common complaint. I user also said "the but affair it sticks to is skin."

Still, a few bad reviews on Amazon (36 percent are i-star rating, which is more than than "a few,") isn't really the worst office of it. Twenty-six complaints have been filed with the Better Concern Bureau, which granted is a pretty minor number compared to what the company has probably sold overall, but some of the complaints accuse the company non of simulated advertising but of overcharging. Some customers say they were sent more product than they ordered, were charged full price for it, and were given no easy fashion to change the order afterward placing information technology.

Finally, there are the course-action lawsuits. Or really, only i dude on YouTube who says he wants to put together a class-action lawsuit because Flex Seal destroyed his pond. Poor consumers. If only they knew, "When the product doesn't perform equally expected, it'due south typically considering the product was not applied correctly." Flex Seal wins.

Celebrities don't actually love Flex Seal products that much

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Flex Seal has a whole video about all the celebrities who love their products, which as information technology turns out is Jerry Seinfeld for like 16 seconds on Jimmy Kimmel, Daniel Tosh, David Letterman, musician Josh Homme (who made a single joke about information technology on The Talking Dead), and a couple of B-list celebrities no 1 has e'er heard of.

We tin can't actually mistake Flex Seal for wanting to capitalize on the scattering of celebrities who have mentioned them in passing, but information technology does seem like kind of a stretch to say celebrities love Flex Seal. Even Jerry Seinfeld's gush "at that place is cypher that the production cannot do!" kind of seemed a lilliputian not-very-serious. Maybe the visitor should be sending free samples out to everyone in Hollywood then they can build a longer list of celebrities who mention the stuff on television. Nosotros'd like to suggest Lucas Till, for a start. Who is more than qualified than MacGyver to show the world simply how awesome Flex Record can be, especially when combined with a wad of chewing gum and the popular top from a can of Coke? What world problems could not be solved?

Flex Seal loves NASCAR

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Long, long ago, people figured out they could raise brand awareness with T-shirts and hoodies, which was probably effectually the aforementioned time people realized they could also turn entire cars into high-speed billboards. Flex Seal jumped on the NASCAR bandwagon in 2013 with JD Motorsports, and as of 2018 has been in the sponsorship game for six consecutive years. At present, anybody who watches NASCAR racing gets to have Phil Swift catchphrases on repeat in their brains everytime they see a Flex Seal/Flex Record car circular a corner, so yay.

JD Motorsports is just as gushy about their sponsor as every other normal human with an occasional need to coat, seal, and protect. "I can't thank Phil Swift enough for all of the support over the years," said Johnny Davis, who owns the JD Motorsports squad. "They take been a very valuable part in the edifice of our race team, and their products are used nearly daily at our shop." Wait, what? Then besides taping a car dorsum together after a crash, Flex Seal and Flex tape get used for regular, everyday car maintenance? Has JD Motorsports actually read the Amazon reviews? Just wondering.

Flex Tape saves the mean solar day

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In Feb 2017, in a moment that must surely take given Phil Swift middle palpitations of joy, the NASCAR machine that Flex Tape sponsors — driven past Garrett Smithley — crashed at Daytona and was in bad need of a 5-minutes-or-less repair. Fortunately, and this doesn't seem staged or only waaaay also convenient at all, there was plenty of Flex Tape on hand because duh, it would have been really embarrassing if the pit coiffure for a NASCAR car with the words "Flex Tape" written all over it had nothing only a roll of Gorilla Record stashed in its toolbox.

Anyhow, co-ordinate to JD Motorsports, Smithley'south car was repaired using Flex Tape, and and then he went on to cease 8th in the race. Maybe some rules need to be changed at NASCAR — surely it's unfair for a driver to use such a supernatural performance enhancer in the heart of a race?

What to do with all this Flex Record?

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So now yous accept 17 rolls of Flex Tape, but you simply can't bring yourself to saw your boat in one-half. What else can you practice with all that Flex Record? Fortunately, the Flex Seal blog has some ideas.

Since nosotros know Flex Record is awesome at sticking to living things, the offset obvious choice is to use information technology equally a bug trap. "Hang long strips of Flex Record in areas you want to minimize bugs," the site suggests. Now, a scroll of Flex Tape costs $13 and is only 5 anxiety long, and yous can get 36 anxiety of actual fly tape for the same corporeality, simply whatever. If you don't like that idea, you can use Flex Tape on your furniture anxiety to forestall scuffing because cutting circles of super-sticky Flex Tape with your household scissors is way more practical than buying a pack of 181 felt furniture pads that are the same price equally a roll of Flex Tape and, you know, actually designed for the purpose.

Okay, and then those aren't nifty ideas — happily, Flex Seal has some car repair tips, besides. Y'all can use Flex Tape to tape your license plate to your car because anybody knows license plate holders and screws are for suckers. You tin can also apply it to tape on your rearview mirror, tape your hood closed, and fix your cracked bumper. Yes, it truly is nature's most divine substance. Truly.

Flex Record is groovy for pranking basketball stars

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Flex Tape is adept for so much more than just taping boats together. Information technology's also a smashing mode to prank someone. Yous could, you lot know, cut up your neighbour's boat and tape information technology back together or something, although come to think of it, that would probably not make you lot very pop with your neighbor, and then perchance don't do that. Or, yous could just practice what the NBA on TNT crew did to Charles Barkley, which is way less expensive. The crew cut up a saucepan ("That's a lotta damage!"), repaired it with Flex Record, and then demoed the repair past pouring water into the bucket while property information technology over Charles Barkley's head. Except information technology wasn't the Flex Taped bucket, it was another bucket, which means Barkley actually concluded upwards soaked.

After the crew revealed the switch, they offered to demo the existent Flex Taped bucket but oops, they ran out of fourth dimension. Then Flex Tape got some brand recognition, while no one actually got to see whether the stuff works. So ... that worked out fine for Flex Tape then.

Flex Tape swag for 1 lucky winner!

If you don't think y'all can justify spending $59.99 on a cardboard cutout of Phil Swift or $329.99 on a Razor-style Flex Seal scooter (which is fairly like to the i on Amazon that you can pick up for $29.99 that you lot could just cover with Flex Tape if you actually wanted a Flex Seal scooter that badly), wait effectually because Flex Seal has some pretty weird contests and giveaways. For Halloween 2018, the company announced a Phil Swift pumpkin carving competition, and just in instance you aren't creative enough to figure out how to make your pumpkin look like Phil Swift, they even provided the stencil. (No buy necessary!)

For fans who may not relish the thought of pulling the guts out of their Phil Swift pumpkin, Flex Seal also sponsored a "big head" giveaway on Instagram — winners received autographed copies of Phil Swift's giant caput. "Y'all know it's difficult to get ahead in life," (har, har) Phil Swift wrote. "Tell me why you call up you deserve my big head. Why should I give my big head to you?" Nosotros're sure the competition was totally but about creating brand recognition for Flex Seal and Flex Tape, and that it had aught to practice with Phil Swift'due south behemothic, inflated ego ... err ... head.

Y'all, too, tin can be Phil Swift

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Perhaps declaring your everlasting devotion is not enough. Perhaps you want to do more merely spend hours online, obsessively googling "Flex Tape" and "Phil Swift." Perhaps you actually want to be Phil Swift. Slap-up news! You can! For just a small-scale investment of fashion more money than you'd probably accept to spend on the average Thanos costume, you tin purchase a Phil Swift Halloween costume direct from the source. Well, you could at 1 time, but sadly they're no longer available.

The costume, if information technology ever becomes available again, included a Flex Seal polo, a Flex Tape baseball game cap, and several cans of Flex Seal products, so when you're finished being Phil Swift at the company Halloween political party, you tin coat, seal, and protect. Once upon a time, y'all could also buy a life-sized Phil Swift cardboard cutout for $59.99, which means that Phil Swift is officially more expensive than Star-Lord, Chewbacca, or Daryl from The Walking Dead. Just alas, similar the Phil Swift Halloween costume, the Phil Swift cardboard cutout is officially no longer available. If you're actually enterprising, though, you might be able to sculpt your own Phil Swift out of a few gallons of Flex Seal.

Phil Swift has rabid fans. No, really.

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If y'all've ever dreamed of condign internet famous, of earning the everlasting adoration of millions, of becoming the star of terribly written yet somehow hilarious fan-fiction, then you need to invent some tape and star in your ain infomercial. Or maybe y'all have to exist Phil Swift to brand that work.

Somehow, Phil'south winning personality and magical ability to destroy things and then put them dorsum together have made him such a star that people actually write stories about him and post them online for the world to make fun of. "It was time to bond, seal and repair his soul," wrote one fan. In another story, Phil Swift, "The lord of darkness," plots multiverse domination and can only be subdued with "the blessed flex record."

Just wait, there's more ... Phil Swift has too inspired a slough of fan art, almost of which feature the words "That's a lot of damage!" or the classic, "I sawed this boat in one-half!" Fans who just can't see themselves spending hours painstakingly recreating Phil Swift's face or writing bad prose about him can also fill that vacant space in their hearts past joining the Phil Swift Fan Society on Steam, only vows are required: "Pray to Phil Swift daily," "Purchase Flex Tape/Flex Seal until yous die," and "Saw whatsoever boat you see in one-half."

Phil Swift is a guitar god

Because you didn't already take enough reasons to dear and respect him, it has come to our attention that not only is Phil Swift the king of all things fabricated out of liquid safety, he is also a guitar god. Or at to the lowest degree, he is equally far as we can tell based on 1 weird 19-second green screen video in which he plays guitar and sings about how much he loves Flex Seal.

This is a tantalizing peek into the personal life of Phil Swift, who upwardly until now has been known just for his skill with a chainsaw and dear of boating. And considering we know no rational person has time to page through Phil Swift'southward entire Twitter feed, we've done it for you! As it turns out, Phil Swift also has his own cool dwelling music studio, consummate with a whole pulsate kit, some electric guitars, and a wall covered with classic rock photos. Phil says he loves to get to his studio with friends and "jam on," probably using these Flex Seal guitar picks that cost $2 apiece, but what he doesn't say is how much Flex Tape went into the blueprint and construction of the music studio. At least nosotros tin can probably assume that the room volition survive the next hurricane.

Don't eat Flex Tape

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Because evidently at that place are people who have joked that Flex Record and/or Flex Seal's other line of amazing products might actually be delicious, Phil Swift felt it was necessary to post a video on Instagram alarm fans to continue the stuff out of their mouths. Now, information technology's not super-clear why this was something that needed saying out loud, simply we are living in the Tide Pod era, later all.

Was Phil'southward video a thinly veiled, "Don't practice this, simply if y'all practise, make certain yous exercise it on YouTube where it will go viral" sort of attempt at some free publicity? Probably non, only if there'due south ane product that could capitalize on the Tide Pod hullaballoo other than Tide Pods, it's Flex Tape. Simply whatever — information technology's stupid to eat things that aren't food. Please don't do it.

At to the lowest degree it didn't go to his head

Sometimes, fame and fortune turns you into a megalomaniac who'southward too good for anyone and everything, including adoring fans. Non Phil Swift, though. Say what you will about the guy's products and weird marketing strategy, at to the lowest degree he doesn't take himself too seriously.

For proof, there'southward a 2nd JonTron video (above), which actually features the man himself, ruling Flex Globe, a land of Flex Seal waterfalls and Flex Tape birds and butterflies, from some high-backed wooden and vinyl throne thingy that looks like it might have come from JonTron's grandma'south house. In the video, Phil calls JonTron "my child" and shows him something in a metal toolbox that emits gilt light and opera music, which let'due south face up it, is not something you do unless you either don't have yourself also seriously or are an actual supernatural being.

So which one is information technology? According to the Phil Swift Wiki, Phil "was born in the centre of a dying star in the Andromeda galaxy during the creation of the Milky Way." In short, you'll have to judge for yourself.

Phil Swift actually, really doesn't take himself likewise seriously

It's corking to be a meme lord and also the owner of a wildly successful line of products that may or may non work equally advertised. Simply so many normal humans would let that go to their heads! Non Phil Swift, though, who clearly has the vision to encounter ridicule as an opportunity to sell more Flex Tape and Flex Seal.

On the Flex Seal website, you lot can buy merchandise ranging from a 10"x12" decal of Phil Swift's head to T-shirts and hats bearing Phil Swift's most-ridiculed catchphrases, like "I sawed this gunkhole in half!" and "That's a lotta damage!" Merely true fans aren't satisfied with merely the visitor-approved merch, and then in that location are also non-company-approved designs, like T-shirts featuring cans of Flex Seal, Phil Swift's giant head, and Phil Swift with his weapons of boat and bucket devastation. Now, whatsoever other self-respecting pitchman might endeavor shutting down those unauthorized mech-sellers, just not Phil, who has the foresight to know that anyone wearing a Phil Swift or Flex Seal T-shirt of whatever kind is basically a free, walking billboard. And so that probably ways nosotros'll proceed to see unauthorized trade for equally long equally Flex Tape and Flex Seal continue to be A Affair. If the Flex Seal gods provide.

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Source: https://www.grunge.com/139736/the-untold-truth-of-flex-tape/

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